Jailbird Jimmy

So the story goes something like this.  Girl goes on blind date with boy.  Boy is a tool.  Girl's friends are there.  Girl's friend tells different boy to come talk to girl.  Fast forward a few weeks.  Girl gets stood up because new boy is in the pokey.  The End. 

Just kidding.  Well ... not really. There's a much better story than that. 

So - I'm on a blind date with a guy who I can't for the life of me remember his name.  All I do know is we called his friend Buddy Holly because he had "those" glasses.  There was another guy he was with who was pretty cute.  That's important to remember.

We're at the Argosy Casino.  Sounds like an odd place for a date, sure, but I think we were planning a night there anyway and it just seemed to work out.  So we get there and the guy I am supposed to meet is a D-O-R-K!  And I couldn't be less interested.  "Oh well," I thought, "I'll play a little craps."  Remember I did think his friend was cute and I told my friends that.  Erika proceeded to tell everyone else that I thought he was cute and the other guy was a dork.  In earshot of the original date.  Whoops.  Big Whoops.  Because he leaned over the bar and said "Thanks for the information."  HA!  Oh well. 

To make a LOOOONG story a bit shorter we'll fast forward HOURS when I'm up $600 and it's about 2am.  Cass takes my money home with her so I don't put it back on the table and a guy who Erika thought would be "Perfect for me" eventually came up and started playing craps too.  This is after everyone else had left and I was just playing out the few dollars I had in my pocket.  We started talking - Jimmy and I.  He was nice enough and I quickly realized craps was not his game.  But Blackjack was.  So I joined him at the blackjack table where he proceeded to give me money to play with.  I think it was around $1000.  I remember thinking "I could take the money and run and pay rent!"  After we played for a couple hours and everyone seemed to know him.  I thought either he's a loser or a high roller.  I hoped for the last one.  He walked me to my car and we exchanged numbers.  We did go out to dinner a couple nights later.  I came to realize he was rather loaded.  NICE.  He offered his personal shopper Julie to me at Nordys.  I now wish I would have taken him up on his offer.  I didn't want him to think I just liked him for his money no matter how true that statement was. 

Fast forward to several weeks later - and I had gotten an odd vibe and wasn't really playing along.  Then I decided I would actually give him a shot so we made plans to go to dinner on Friday night.  Friday comes and goes - no word.  I'm calling and leaving super nice messages (yeah) and requesting a return call please.  Nothing.  Nada.  So I as a friend who may or may not have access to information about an individual's status with the law.  Guess what?  He was a fugitive and was extradited to VEGAS.  Apparently was picked up on a warrant sometime Thursday and therefore couldn't make our date.  Hence his name - Jailbird Jimmy.  His name before this was Richy Rich.  You can see how we had to change it. 

So that boys and girls is the story of how our fair maiden escaped a what was sure to be an ultimately unfortunate situation.  But I'm still pissed about Nordstroms. 

How many frogs do you have to kiss?

That's a plaque my "work husband" gave me a few years back.  I think it was right as I was newly single and went on a couple, shall we say "less than successful" dates.

If you would have told me that just more than 4 years later here I would sit - still single - I would have said you were crazy.  Not that I thought I was "all that and a bag of chips" mind you.  (Well maybe a little) But it's like how it always is.   The grass is ALWAYS greener.  And isn't it always the case - when you are with someone everytime you turn around the hottest guy in the room is making googly eyes at you.  So you rid yourself of the dead weight and low and behold ... crickets. 

So I thought I'd enlighten some of you to the hell that is Online Dating.  Hell.  Total Hell. 
So far I've met some real winners. Let me paint the picture.  Buffalo Wild Wings.  White Nautica sweater circa 1989.  Gold chain like he's straight outa Jersey Shore.  And I doubt there's a drop of Drakkar left in the bottle.  Oh - and don't forget about the 2 inch gap between his teeth.  He waved me over to the table, welcomed me with a hug and throughout the evening shared these endearing facts about himself. (and I'm NOT kidding)  Trust me - the photos on his profile did not acurately represent him. 

He missed the birth of one of his children due do being high, he almost lost all the fingers on one of his hands because of the above event, he's such a douchebag (my word not his) that his baby mama wouldn't give one of his sons his last name, oh and that babymama - she was 15 at the time.  The BEST thing he told me is that he once robbed a grave.  Robbed. A. Grave.  He didn't dig one up he and his friends cracked open a mausoleum.  Of course I had to tell him what it was called.  The entire time I have my face in my hands thinking... I've GOT to remember this.  I wonder if he'd notice if I actually took notes.

At one part of the "date" he went outside to smoke and he was gone FOREVER.  I'm sure calling all his friends telling them that he's met "The One."   I called the waitress over and told her to bring me one more beer (which I SLAMMED) and when he comes back to offer us our check.

Fastforward to him walking me to my car and he hugged me and told me he would call me tomorrow.  It was hard to supress my joy.  And sure as shit, 8am I get a text "It was great to meet you!  I hope we can get together again soon!"  Um.  Not only no - but HELL NO!

Trust me - sadly so - there are more stories where this came from.  Stay tuned. 

Here's a tease - his name is Jailbird Jimmy.

:) T