Do you have an appointment???

Last Friday a high school friend and I decided to see a psychic.  Yes, a psychic.   We had to drive to Raytown to find this amazing person who can allegedly see and inform us of our future.  So that was an adventure in itself.  We had a plan, my friend Stacey and I.  It was a certain amount for 30 minutes and we could split that time, so we decided we would WINK at each other if we wanted to continue on.  In hindsight, since our lady is a psychic after all, I guess she would know if we had hatched some sort of scheme. 

So, we step op on the porch.  This is when we first realize there's something odd with Saphira.  (Yes, that's her name)  There's a sticker on the door that reads: "Door opened for appointments only."   After an extra long look at each other, Stacey and I rang the bell.  I don't think either of us were ready for what opened the door. 

This is where, if this were a TV show, we would cut to a commercial break.  So, think about your favorite product for 30 seconds......................

When the door opened, I swear Mrs. Claus was behind the door. I swear to freaking God.  Mrs. Claus.  And she was the exact same size one would expect Mrs. Claus to be.   So, after walking in the door she led us thru a room with a stuffed, white teddy bear on the couch, to another room.  I honestly wouldn't have been surprised to see an elf or two running around.

This room had a fireplace at one end that at first glance appeared to be lit, but Stacey claims it was just candles and stuff all lit up.  Centered and I mean CENTERED in the room was a rocking chair with another chair next to it.  The first chair was for us to sit in.  And it had to be kept 100% centered.  The other chair was for our "Guides" to sit in.   Stacey moved the chair about 3 millimeters, and the psychic lady about had a coronary.

She told us that when she was doing the reading, she would be in a "semi-trance" state, and we shouldn't look directly at her face or she would "blank out".  What?  And the one of us who is sitting to the back of the room, we can't look at either one of them.   Let me tell you how stupid I felt sitting in the back of the room NOT looking at Saphira.   I really wanted Saphira to get all freaky and weird in this "trance" state but she didn't.  She sat in her purple sweatsuit and white flip flops in front of the fireplace on several pillows and told us our futures.

Stacey went first.  Here's what we learned from her session...
She is going to have a total of 3 kids.
She needs B vitamins and brewer's yeast, the psychic lady could "taste" in her mouth. Stacey's health is "not vibrant" right now.
Stacey is also going to have a new hairdo. 

My psychic revelations were:
I will be in a relationship by December 15.  He will be "Handsome, well off, blonde, tall..."
My "Guides" were fighting over the fact that I don't listen to them.
The one person I wanted to talk to - my aunt Elaine - didn't want to talk to me.
I have a broken heart.  (duh)

All this and she got a tip.  That was only because she wouldn't give us change and neither one of us wanted to write her a check.  We didn't want her crazy ass to come a knocking at our doors.  However, we wouldn't have opened the door unless she had an appointment. 

Hmmmm.... I wonder what holiday is next?

I got to enjoy one of my favorite Labor Day traditions, Santa-Cali-Gon Days.   Or as we call it - Sally-get-it-on.    I love it.  It has so many of the things I love; food on sticks, deep friend ANYTHING, crafts, crazy people watching, crafts and oh yeah, crafts. However.  There's one craft phenomenon I just don't get.  Maybe because it's an old lady thing and I have a few years to go on that one.  Or maybe it's because I do not live in a rural comunity.  Either way, it's horrible and has got to stop.  Calendar sweatshirts. 

That's where you put any holiday decoration on your shirt, sweatshirt, sweater, totebag ... anything.  It's got to be the single most tacky thing, ever.  Cuz, you know what? I'm not walking around wondering if there's a holiday coming up, just waiting to run into someone with a pumpkin on their chest.  No one needs to see you in your sweatshirt with the stupid wreath.  Everyone can just assume you are in fact a great grandma, we don't need it emblazened on your very unsupported boobs.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks this is dumb.  But there were 3.  Yes, 3 different booths that I saw with several old ladies gathered around to choose their favorite holiday to support.  I saw one couple trying desperately to decide between a snowman and reindeer.  A difficult choice indeed.    Put them both down... step away from the applique.